Recently my husband and I were debating over sleeping arrangements and laughing about how my daughter is 16 months and hasn’t spent one night in the beautiful and kind of expensive, Italian crafted crib (thanks mom and dad) that we’ve had set up. Don’t get me wrong – the crib did get some use. We got it before my first born, my son, came into the world, and during our run as first time parents, tried using it with him because we thought it was the right thing to do.
Now, as my husband disassembles the crib and rightfully grumbles about having had to set it up and take it down three times in the past three months (because I’ve wanted it moved from room to room in case I would one day use it), I tell him that if I knew then what I know now, we would have never gotten a crib and that if I could tell new parents one thing it would be to not spend the exuberant amount of money on a crib, or to at least wait a while after the baby is born.
Our son used his crib as a place to hide under and play peek-a-boo from rather than sleep in!
I know this throws a wrench into people’s plans for what they want the nursery to look like and I understand, but when you’re on your second or third child, you’ll understand that function comes before aesthetics.
For us, not using a crib came about as a way to keep everyone happy; life is too short not to be! I nursed both of my children and since they needed to eat or wanted comfort during the night, I got a lot more sleep having them in the bed and rolling over to feed them, and they didn’t get jostled around from crib to chair and back to crib each time they awoke. Their feedings went faster and we were all peacefully asleep before ever really waking to begin with.
When I would tell people about my sleeping arrangements I would get mixed responses. Some people felt relieved to hear that they weren’t the only ones with babies/kids in their beds. Others felt I was creating a monster that would only get bigger with each night my child/children were in my bed. Some thought I was wrong all together, fearful it was harming my children in some way!
Though content and pretty well rested (as much as a person with small children can be), I would occasionally look for information to reassure myself that co-sleeping (as it is called) wouldn’t harm my children; i.e. that they would one day be able to sleep by themselves and that they wouldn’t be codependent on me as teenagers and adults! What I found not only made me feel better, but it made me feel confident that my husband and I were doing what was best for our kids. I found that there are a lot of studies showing that co-sleeping actually reduces the risk of SIDS, that co-sleeping makes for more confident and independent children, that co-sleeping benefits parents as well as the kids and that co-sleeping is the norm in more countries than not!
Co-Sleeping Reduces the Risk of SIDS
According to Silven and Schon, “societies or parts of societies in which mother–infant co-sleeping is widely practiced, generally have a relatively low incidence of SIDS compared to cultures that encourage solitary infant sleep. This is the case despite the fact that these people often live in suboptimal conditions, which would be expected to predispose them to increased infant mortality” (125).
Also, “The general hypothesis that co-sleeping (at least in the form of a committed caregiver’s proximity i.e. roomsharing) reduces SIDS among some SIDS prone infants is confirmed by studies showing that roomsharing in the presence of an active caregiver saves lives. This hypothesis emerged initially from considering the evolutionary function of mother– infant co-sleeping and breast feeding, both among human and non-human primates and the underlying physiological systems of the human infant, which are positively regulated by the contact that such proximity asserts. In addition, co-sleeping among non-smoking mothers is associated with remarkably low SIDS and infant mortality. These reports are confirmed by a recent worldwide childcare survey by the SIDS Global Task Force led by Nelson et al. This international survey team of over 20 scholars revealed that, compared with crib sleeping cultures, those cultures practising the highest co- sleeping and bedsharing rates experienced either the lowest SIDS rates of all”(McKenna and McDade 149).
Co-Sleeping Makes for Independent and Happy Children that turn into Independent and Happy Adults
“When social relationships in the child’s nexus is strong during the day and involves a lot of engagement and contact by reassuring parents, and this positive engagement is extended throughout the night, the child is getting more of that which is already good, therein further reinforcing such personality qualities as self comforting skills, confidence, self-worth, and social-cognitive engagement skills along with more positive emotional-empathic capacities altogether”(McKenna).
In fact, “The potential psychological and emotional benefits of co-sleeping for later adult life and among young children, are just now beginning to be published and have been summarized. Children who ‘never’ slept in their parents’ bed show a trend toward them being rated ‘harder to control,’ ‘less happy,’ less innovative and less able to be alone and in several studies they exhibit a greater number of tantrums. Children who were never permitted to bedshare were actually more fearful than children who always slept in their parents’ bed, for all of the night, a finding that is exactly the opposite of what is popularly understood”(McKenna & McDade). And according to Dr. Sears, “Co-sleeping babies grow up with a higher self-esteem, less anxiety, become independent sooner, are better behaved in school, and are more comfortable with affection. They also have less psychiatric problems.”
Parents Benefit from Co-Sleeping Too
When the baby is in the same bed everyone gets more sleep as no one actually has to get out of bed to attend to the infant’s needs through the night. And, interestingly enough, it helps to strengthen the relationship between parents and child, including fathers. “Helen Ball’s study of co-sleeping fathers in England, the only study of its kind, found that the dads in her sample were initially reluctant to bedshare, yet they ended up finding the experience overall “more enjoyable than disruptive.” She suggests that the intimate contact that dads can have with babies in bed with them helps them to develop, when they want to do so, an intense social relationship with their infants that might otherwise be delayed during breastfeeding. Dr. Ball suggests that “Triadic co-sleeping arrangements may serve to ameliorate this effect, and provide fathers who are motivated to do so the opportunity to experience intimate contact and prolonged close interaction with their newborn baby””(McKenna).
Co-Sleeping is The Preferred Method of Sleep Around the World
“Side-by-side mother–infant sleep, on the same surface appears to be the most common sleeping arrangement worldwide”(McKenna and McDade 143). According to James McKenna, “For the overwhelming majority of mothers and babies around the globe today, co-sleeping is an unquestioned practice. In much of southern Europe, Asia, Africa and Central and South America, mothers and babies routinely share sleep. In many cultures, co-sleeping is the norm until children are weaned, and some continue long after weaning. Japanese parents (or grandparents) often sleep in proximity with their children until they are teenagers, referring to this arrangement as a river – the mother is one bank, the father another, and the child sleeping between them is the water. Most of the present world cultures practice forms of co-sleeping and there are very few cultures in the world for which it would ever even be thought acceptable or desirable to have babies sleeping alone” (Natural Child Project).
When born, babies want to be in small spaces, like they were in the womb, as it is what they are familiar with and what makes them feel secure. Thus, in those first couple of months, a baby only needs a moses basket or a basinet type piece of furniture placed next to you to sleep in, if the baby isn’t sleeping with you in the bed already. After that, take time to figure out what works best for your family’s sleeping arrangements and then decide about whether or not you need a crib. Personally, my children didn’t end up in my bed until they were a month or 2 old, just because I was nervous that they were so tiny and I didn’t know a whole lot about the ins and outs of co-sleeping at the time. But, many people start from day one, knowing that they should not share a bed with a baby if under the influence of medication or alcohol, and to be mindful that no pillows or blankets are near the baby.
Babies grow into adults in the blink of an eye, or so we are told! I want to take advantage of any and all bonding time that I can get and give to my children be it day or night. These moments of getting to be right next to your children as they sleep are too precious to not savor.
WORKS CITED
McKenna, James, Ph.D. Co-Sleeping Around the World. The Natural Child Project. Web. January 30, 2012.
McKenna, James. How Parents Can Benefit from Cosleeping. The Natural Child Project. Web. January 24, 2012.
McKenna, James. Frequently Asked Questions. Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory. University of Notre Dame. Web. January 24, 2012.
McKenna, James and McDade, Thomas. Why babies should never sleep alone: A review of the co-sleeping controversy in relation to SIDS, bedsharing and breast feeding. Paediatric Respiratory Reviews. 2005. Web. January 24, 1022.
Sears, William. Scientific Benefits of Co-Sleeping. Ask Dr. Sears. Web. January 24, 2012.
Silven, Maarit and Schon, Regine A. Natural Parenting – Back to Basics Infant Care. Evolutionary Psychology. 2007. Web. January 24, 2012.
Love, love, love this! We have co-sleep with both of our children and are all better for it. Actually, my still nursing 20 month old is sleeping beside me as I type this. With our first, we tried putting her to sleep in her own bed; We tried letting her cry it out. The end result was a very unique happy, clingy baby, who had tummy troubles (I believe were due to anxiety), and two miserable, anxious, sleep deprived parents. I couldn’t take it any more and moved her to our bed out of pure desperation one night. For the first time, she slept through the night and my husband and I both got some much needed rest. She slept with us until she was 2 1/2 – 3 years old and is now a very secure happy 7 year old who never has bad dreams, plays creatively on her own, and with anyone who is available to play. When our 2nd came along, there was no question as to where he would sleep, and he is welcome is our bed as long as he wants to be here. As far as sex life goes…. Really people!?!? If having a child sleep in your bed disrupts your intimate life with your husband, you’ve got bigger problems than “where should baby sleep?”! We have a very healthy and active intimate relationship and it doesn’t involve our kids sleeping next to us. We get creative… We make sex fun and spontaneous… We have sex like two people in love should- Not just in our bed, in missionary position, on every other Saturday night.
As I read through the comments, I saw a lot of people compare co-sleeping to choosing not to vaccinate, and the “danger” It creates. While that is another argument for another time, I do want to put this thought out there. If vaccines work as they are claimed to, then unvaccinated children are no threat to those who have been vaccinated- The vaccine should protect them. Just a thought.
Thank you aging for this wonderful post and all of the hard work and research that went into it!
I understand your point of view in parenting and co-sleeping, but every parent needs to do what they think is best for their family. We are anti-vaccine.. which I do believe you are.. but we are also anti-cosleeping.. We want our children to learn how to sleep in their own beds, and in the middle of the night if they want to come in and snuggle with us.. we believe that is perfectly fine.. we all have different ways of parenting.. and we all do what we think is best for our children. God bless you..
Realistically it’s your life, your child, your responsibility. You should be doing what you feel is best for your family. Everyone has opinions on everything that is what we’re taught. People will argue for several more years which way is right or wrong but it’s you who makes the decision for your family.
I personally support vaccines and my daughter sleeps in her own bed, she is healthy and happy and that’s all that I care about.
Great article and very interesting comments! I have a little guy who just turned one and he’s been in our bed (or in a basket in the middle of the bed, hammock beside the bed since he was born. But at around 8 months when he started to be a good crawler I had to transition him to the cot for day sleep and evening (before we went to bed) as he was waking and trying to crawl off the bed!
I was wondering what others have done in regards to a mobile baby who doesn’t know how to safely dismount from a bed? We thought about putting the mattress on the floor but required the space under the bed for storage in our small house!
Love this, thank you! Huge advocate of co sleeping:) It has been great, even with my two year old. When we talk of moving him out of the bed, even my husband gets a bit disappointed:)
I think it’s important to respond to each individual child’s needs, also. My oldest clung to me from day one. She’ll shortly be turning three and we still co-sleep. It did WONDERS for our entire family. Our stress levels went down, we all managed to have quality sleep, and my daughter has become more and more independent instead of extremely clingy to me. We recently visited a friend, and when I took my daughter out of the car to go and get my son, she took off, running around with the dogs. And when we were inside, she went off to play with toys–all on her own. When she was younger, she would never leave my side. My friend stated, “I can’t believe how different she is.” I honestly believe if I left her to herself in the crib to CIO (or whatever–not trying to start a CIO debate), she would still be ultra-clingy and less independent.
My son, on the other hand, from the newborn stage disliked going to sleep in my arms, hated to be worn and has always preferred going to sleep on his own. He’s in a crib. He needs comfort and nurturing in different areas.
My due date with #3 is this Thursday. I’m very curious about this one! What her personality will be, what she will like/dislike. I think we need to stop looking at babies as a blank canvas and start looking at them as the individuals they are, with their personalities in place when they are born.
29 yrs ago I too started my children in my bed for the same reasons, nursing, extra sleeping, etc. My 1st born is now 29 still lives at my home, we do not co sleep, hahaha as she has two children one is 12 and one is 9 months. It did not make her more secure, she has terrible anxiety, I belieive a bit of bi polar and cant work on a steady basis because of the anxiety. Difference here is she was vaccinated as I knew no better then. My 2nd born co slept with us and nursed til 4 or so is very secure and has less emotional problems. She was fully vaccinated too. One of my dogs died from vaccs when my grandson was about 2 needless to say no more vaccs and new baby will never be vaccinated. None of my 36 animals are vaccinated either unless they came to me already vaccinated.
As a practicing pediatrician it is faux pas for me to recommend co-sleeping, but I do! There are just so many benefits for mom and baby if practiced safely, ie. no blankets or pillows around baby, no alchol, drugs, etc! Great article, well reseached and well written!
I don’t believe this can even be posted. Yes, cosleeping is the norm in less developed countries and the mortality rate is tramendous. If you want to use a cosleeper, then go ahead and sleep with your child but if a baby under a year is in your bed, on your mattress, you are greatly increasing the risk of your child dying from SIDS. True, anyone can make a study look the opposite way and this is what wgive done here. In the USA, we have finally found a way to drastically reduce SIDS and now you are willing to compromise this. How sad. Just like vaccines and people do not want to immunize their children, we will again have an outbreak of diseases we thought we had gotten rid of. Love your kids and be responsible. Think of them and not yourself.
Hi Michelle – So i think you are saying that I made a study look like the opposite here – I included the links to the studies – did you read them? They are the 2 biggest studies ever done worldwide, one coming out of Harvard University. I spent hours upon hours reading these studies and doing my research to do the best by my children, so I hardly think I am thinking about myself and not them. Please post links to legitimate studies that says co-sleeping does cause SIDS, as I assume you have some based on your comments stating so strongly that it does!
Wow Michelle – I can’t believe one human would condemn another for a parenting style based on much research and love. You make yourself look a bit silly by stating that co-sleeping is the norm in less developed countries and relate it to their mortality rates – sounds like something you just made up. Are you aware that a. co-sleeping is the norm in most countries, not just the underdeveloped and that b. the mortality rates in undeveloped countries have nothing to do with co-sleeping? You can look this up and see the facts for yourself! As far as your vaccine statement, are you aware the the manufacturers of the vaccines actually include the information on at least 1 package insert of 1 vaccine that it may cause SIDS?
Michele, Vaccines cause SIDS. It is listed as a side effect right on the CDC’s site. There are outbreaks of diseases, and it the fully vaccinated who are contracting these diseases (take a look at pertussis in CA, 81% of those infected were fully vaccinated, 11% partially, leaving a mere 8% of those effected as unvaxed). The vaccines did not eradicate the diseases, if you actually take the time to check the dates and numbers of deaths and infected for each of the diseases there is now a vaccine for you will see for yourself the diseases were either nearly as rare, just as rare, or more rare then they were once the vaccine was introduced. Also only 10% of the entire population received the vaccinations so how do you explain that even possibly contributing to eradicating diseases that were effecting almost the entire human population. YOU should be a responsible parent and research for yourself why there are so many responsible parents who choose not to vaccinate at all. Then you will realize there is mercury (thimersol), formaldehyde, aluminum, aborted fetal cells and many other nasty ingredients that can and do kill children all the time. In fact most cases of vaccine related deaths are only reported as SIDS even if they received the vaccine only hours before and the doctor told them how healthy their baby was at the same time. It happens all the time especially since we have increased the number of poisonous vaccinations baby’s are to receive. As for co-sleeping we do not do that with infants in our house as baby’s do die from that as well. We keep them in a bassinet by our side and when they are older oten times allow them to sleep with us when they want to. Anyway, it sounds to me that you are the irresponsible one as you do not research anything you are injecting straight into your child’s bloodstream (which by-passes the liver so therefore it is impossible to filter any of those toxic heavy metals out).
I think it is important before people post responses that they educate themselves on both sides. When it comes to the vaccines, there is so much research out there proving vaccines are more harmful than not!! I agree to be responsible parents and not just follow the status quo- step outside your comfort zone and research for the safest practices for your children.
I kept Maya in a travel pack n play at my bedside for the first 8 months of her life but would NEVER think of placing her in our bed. That’s inconsiderate to my husband and our sex life. I don’t believe for one moment that my child will be any less intellectual, secure or advanced by sleeping with mommy & Daddy into her childhood years. Eeek! If anything, lord knows she’s learned boundaries and respect for the sanctity of our marriage. We have lots of cuddle time scheduled in our family room or her bed every night though. Just not about to give my child full access to the four corners of our mattress – the one place where life has not changed for us….. I’m curious what the consensus is among the majority of men in the U.S who have lost the sexual part of their wives to motherhood….. (How do parents who cosleep maintain healthy sex lives?) nooners & nap times only? 🙁 I can’t imagine.
Trust me, you get creative. 🙂
I don’t know how old your daughter is, but trust me until at least age eight or nine, she has no idea about the ‘sanctity of your marriage’ – all she knows is that she isn’t next to her Mommy.
I have to agree with this statement. A healthy marriage does require the bonding of a healthy sexual relationship. A healthy marriage makes a happy family and that makes your kids happy. We never co-slept with babies, they napped while we were awake in our bed so we could watch, and they slept in bassinets by our heads but we did not want to risk any suffocation in our beds. Our 2.5 yr old sleeps with us most times and it is very inconvenient that way! Yeah you get creative is REALLY easy to say when you have an 8 yr old wandering about at any given time. Not a lot of options unless the oldest is away at grandmas. I don’t know why Ari says they have no idea about the “sanctity of marriage” it’s not about sex as much as just a healthy relationship there are so many studies showing how the release of hormones during sex keeps you bonded and happy and TRUST me all kids know when a marriage or mommy (or daddy, which Meg is right, he seems to be left out of this post) is happy and healthy.
Well, I didn’t write about my sex life as it isn’t part of what I am trying to convey, BUT we are happy and in love, due a lot to getting sleep – we get a lot more sleep with a baby in the bed as no one has to get up in the middle of the night and we are not grouchy in the morning. At night, our bed is for much needed sleep ~ there are other times and places for other things, even with two kids, we have no issues here!
We partially co-sleep- I put my son to sleep in his bed, when we are ready to go to sleep we simply pick him up and bring him in with us. We have plenty of quality time between his bedtime and ours to do whatever we wish 🙂
With respect, responses such as this leave me scratching my head. I read another thread (somewhere–can’t link) where someone had a similar response to co-sleeping and blamed that on the divorce of the husband and wife. Seriously, they were blaming a divorce on co-sleeping? It sounds like there were more serious problems within the marriage than co-sleeping.
And I find that if your sex lives are compromised due to co-sleeping, again, I think it says much more of the marriage than of co-sleeping. I’ve managed to end up pregnant the past three out of four summers co-sleeping with my oldest. And they were not conceived in our bed! If you can’t find other places, become creative after the kids are out, and only feel that you can be intimate in your beds . . . well, I guess that says a lot for a marriage, also.
well said Carrie!
Even though I’m almost 46, like others, I was under the impression of the opposite and listened to my elders advice for my now 24 and 18 year old children. With my 26 month old I did the same-she slept in a crib as soon as she was to big for the bassinet and has been able to put herself to sleep. I’m wondering is it too late to start co-sleeping and if not, how do you go about it? One problem I know will be her getting up to play with whatever she can get her hands into. Another is her bedtime being a good two hours before ours too.
The bedtime isn’t a big deal -Our kids go to sleep before us – they just go int eh middle of the bed and we move them when we get in. I don’t think it’s too late – I had a friend start even later!